12 June 2011

In All Honesty

My feet, waiting to find the right path.

I'm going to be honest, loves: I'm struggling.

I'm struggling with who I am in this moment and who it is that I want to be. I'm struggling with how to achieve authenticity in my life, and how to without question or fear fight for the life I most want to live. I am struggling with negotiating others' expectations of me and the dreams I have for myself.

This topic of honesty has been circulating the blogging world quite frequently as of late. Moorea wrote a beautiful post in April about being honest in loving oneself. iHanna explored the idea of authenticity in blogging. (Her blog server is currently down and therefore I'm unfortunately unable to link to the post.) Miss Dancing Mermaid wrote about this topic, too, and Kendra opened her heart to her readers and shared her difficulty in finding out what it is she has to offer the world.

When I was first introduced to the blogging world, I indulged in the writings of the creative world; I soaked up art journaling and crafting, and forged my own blog after these passions. Recently, however, I have found myself drawn to blogs very different, blogs about about family and everyday life - like those written by these two beautiful authors that I gravitate to again and again.

I am still trying to find the right words with which to describe what it is that draws me to them, but, inarticulately put, it is their possession of two simple things they have that I long for: a home, and the physical presence of those they love. My heart aches more and more for a place that belongs to me, one in which I can put up fairy lights and buy cups and bowls to fill the kitchen shelves; but more than this, I ache for a one way plane ticket to my Dearest.

I want stability and control, a life of my own. The two years of schooling that remain before me are a frustrating barrier between me and freedom to make these dreams reality; unfortunately, the degree I will receive at the end of my time at university is what will allow me more choices in creating the life I hope for.

Though I still adore drinking in the incredible creativity and inspiration I find on fellow artists' blogs, my own passion for creating has ebbed as a result, I think, of the reality I face in this moment. And it is this I am struggling with - the prospect of having to wait, simply wait, for opportunities that lie two years in the future.

And that, my sweets, is my truth, raw and imperfect in this moment.

PS. I'd be so grateful if you could answer two quick questions about my Etsy shop! Click here if you have a moment to spare - thanks!


Rhiannon said...

I know exactly what you mean - constantly searching for the person you want to be is so tiring. And sometimes it can be totaly exhausting [especially if you feel you have made no progress].
I am in the same job I have been in for 4 years now, and while I dream of doing something creative for my career there is always something in the way. It feels like I have to always live in the future. I just make sure I live in the present too.

Hopefully you will find your way soon :) xxxx

Deanna said...

Hi Ingrid, I so understand what you are saying. I have my home and my love and I am very blessed there but I feel lost at work. After 20 years in this business I am no longer interested. I want to sit in my study and paint all day, and then escape and take photos with the rest of my time but I can't see how I could possibly make a living at that and I need to make money. So I feel trapped without a lot of options. I just hope that if I hold my dreams close to my heart and keep my heart and mind open something will come. Somedays though that is harder to do than others.


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