I have been blogging now for four years as of last month.
My first posts were brief and gentle, pictureless, and full of imagination. I had dreams a life in which I was independent, happy, and comfortable with who I was, and for years I wrote love notes to my readers and the Universe in hopes that they would bring light to others and, in turn, myself.
Maintaining a blog, especially during some of the busiest and most challenging times of my life, has been.. well, there really isn't an adjective that accurately summarizes this experience. I have changed so much in these past four years, and witnessing my personal growth here – or realizing how difficult it is to portray here – has been illuminating. I've struggled with this space: how do I remain authentic? Does authenticity mean remaining true to the original voice of this blog or adjusting and growing with my changing worldview? Questions of consistency (how often, on which topics, should I post?), "theme", organization, and for-profit projects have come up, and my sense of design and cohesion – as well as my skills to execute visions of design – have shifted dramatically (note the ever changing layout of this blog). To be honest, I haven't yet found the answers to any of these.
I have no intentions of leaving this space. I have thought about it: a new name, a new vision, a new place to ground myself. But this is where I have spilled my heart, reached out to those in the aether-net, grown tremendously in my artistic pursuits, and grown ever more into my Self. My Peacetree is a record of my persistence and my belief in my Soul, and it is here that I feel that I have come to embrace all parts of myself, both the positive and the negative. Perhaps it is this – the sense not of resolution but of continuous progress, a world away from the stagnation where I first found myself – that leaves me feeling unsure of which direction I should now turn. That might sound oxymoronic, inspired during stagnation and X during progress, but if you were to ask me what, at this moment, I most want for myself, I'm not sure I'd be able to give you an answer. I need to practice dreaming.
I am anxious to remain authentic both to myself and to my readers, should they drop by occasionally or often. I want to share my life here, though I suppose I am still searching for the next Dream I will pursue (or is that, really, the entirety of life?). I want to rediscover those things that I am passionate about and have the courage to let go of those things that no longer thrill me the way they once did. I want to complete, once and for all, a cohesive, polished look that I will stick with for, well, a while. Yes, I have so many hopes and dreams for this space, and I love it still.
In any case, loves, thank you for sticking with me through all the ups and downs, the bursts of creative energy and the absences. Big hugs, my sweets – you amaze me.