Ah, finals. We meet again! I am quickly nearing the end of my undergraduate career, and the light of graduation is at long last appearing at the end of a very long tunnel. I have three more weeks to go, and it goes without saying that I have many more papers and presentations to complete before I get there.
Last week, while working on a project that I needed to do well on – a presentation of my own research regarding the intersection between creativity, education, and peace/conflict studies – I found myself idling away precious time with things neither productive nor particularly interesting. Considering that this project is something I am enormously passionate about, I was confused and frustrated with my seeming inability or lack of desire to start. After repeatedly questioning myself, I realized that my procrastination had less to do with motivation than with a hidden belief that I deserve no less than to fail my classes; to disappoint my family, friends, teachers, boyfriend, and myself; and to force myself into unhappiness (not to mention debt) by staying another year at university.
I became so angry with this voice inside me that has for years whispered the cruelest things, telling me that I don't deserve happiness and I don't deserve to do well. I'm still angry. I do deserve all the happiness in the world. I do deserve to get a degree and pursue the life I dream of, cat and Germany included. I deserve to be recognized for all that I've accomplished. I deserve to be happy and loved.
Grabbing a bottle of India ink and a half-completed painting, I wrote this inner voice a message, loud and very clear: f**k self sabotage. I will not prove this stupid Voice right. I will unhesitatingly stand up for myself. Inner Voice, do you hear me?! I will fight for everything I deserve and more – you are not going to win this!
I hope you fight for yourself, too, sweet reader. You deserve nothing less. Let's dream bigger, to the sky, the stars, and beyond, in and to spite of the forces against us.
Click here to see the original (uncensored) painting, and click here for an image large enough for your computer wallpaper for a daily dose of courage and healthy anger you can channel into fighting for all that is good, wonderful, kind, and lovely. (That includes you, darling!)
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. /Buddha